would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
