awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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