thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
