My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
