i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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