There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
