listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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