I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
