This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
