I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
