i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
