Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
