So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize