If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
