and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
