I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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