he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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