I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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