Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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