I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
