I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
