he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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