I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
