So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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