how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will pee on everything he values.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
