Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
