I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
