3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
