I wish my penis had an off switch
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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