Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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