My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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