I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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