I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
