How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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