If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
