I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize