Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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