We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
