uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
