Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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