When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
