Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
