I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
