omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
