I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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