your room smells of hookers.
And success
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
