i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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