If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
