It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
