Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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