I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
