Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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