Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
