I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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