Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We need a shit load of segways right now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
