We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
