he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
