god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
