Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
