Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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