saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
