Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
