my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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